End as we began.

"In the blood of Eden
We've done everything we can
In the blood of Eden
Saw the end as we began..."

I don't know if my letter was red.

With the stains of bitterness smearing love.

Leaves a strange watermark of emotion...

drying weak after week...

until it doesn't matter anymore.

Maybe if you hold it up to The Light

it will be evidence of how I feel...

Truth is.

It doesn't change, but 

relevance is relative.

I don't need you anymore [whisper tree].

ALL is Forgiven.

statement and fact /  action and adverb (not taken LightLy).

Me?

Forgiven.  

The forgiveness from you I sought, I never got and the forgiveness I found... I always had.

You?

Forgiven.

The forgiveness I fought, I thought I'd never let go.... It's yours.

Your Family?

Forgiven.

The forgiveness they need... is not mine to hold.

I won't bore and dig into this tree or me anymore.

I am closing this chasm.

and walking away from the sappy fester....

The healing began before it started.

I love you God.

Thank you for the friends 

and the family I have... 

who care that I am happy and healthy...

who let me question 

and struggle 

with a greater faith than my own.

Thank you for putting me on a path 

seeking a life more meaningful 

than the one I have pursued for many years... 

and thank you for starting me on that path 

earlier than I ever knew.
Thank you for what I will be.

Thank you for what I was.

Thank you for what I can be.

Thank you for the past 6 months of growth.

Thank you for the last 4 of joy and proof of love from another.

Thank you for the last month of awakening a desire for more.

Thank you for the last week of struggle 

only to allow me to...

Thank you for the next day and the promise it brings.

-g

Seriously.

This whisper tree is closed.

However, 

I think the end of the legend goes:

"when the tree was chopped down, the wood was made into a drum that, when struck, told the secret for the entire world to hear."

...so eventually...

 this spot will hold that mixtape I promised.

I am still whispering and listening for smiles

@  http://The-Observer-Effect.blogspot.com/

Still Wrestling.

"In the locust wind comes a rattle and hum
Jacob wrestled the angel 

and the angel was overcome

You plant a demon seed 

and raise a flower of fire...." 

[Bullet the Blue Sky]

It seems to me that perhaps one of the greatest blasphemies one can commit 

is to not forgive themselves.

Grace is offered at a price, and to not accept that is to nullify it.

To give lip-service to the cross and all that Jesus came to teach 

and yet continue  to harbor in myself a loathing and disdain for parts of me

is nothing short of telling God,  "I know better than you how to treat me," and is analagous to harboring a traitor to the kingdom in the floorboards of my basement.

It is lending attention to the god of un-forgiveness before the God of forgiveness.

To love my neighbor I must love myself... and to love myself...

 I must love [trust] God.

 I must trust He loves me as he created me.

Did He create me with all these imperfections?

Are they part of the big picture and therefore perfect?

Is sin just love moving in the wrong direction?

I am finding that forgiveness of myself I never got from you....

Forgiveness I never expected to have to find... in me... 

perhaps that was my demon seed.

I feel I'll be closing up the hole I bored  in this whisper tree soon...

As soon as I can articulate my forgiveness of you.

It's funny that in the soil of  my hurt

 is exactly the place where I find forgivess.

The Blood of Eden [more peter gabriel]

Blood Of Eden

I caught sight of my reflection
I caught it in the window
I saw the darkness in my heart
I saw the signs of my undoing
They had been there from the start
And the darkness still has work to do
The knotted chord's untying
They're heated and they're holy
Oh they're sitting there on high
So secure with everything they're buying

{Chorus:}
In the blood of Eden
Lie the woman and the man
With the man in the woman
And the woman in the man
In the blood of Eden
Lie the woman and the man
We wanted the union
Oh the union of the woman
The woman and the man

My grip is surely slipping
I think I've lost my hold
Yes, I think I've lost my hold
I cannot get insurance anymore
They don't take credit, only gold
Is that a dagger or a crucifix I see
You hold so tightly in your hand
And all the while the distance grows between you and me
I do not understand

[Chorus]

At my request, you take me in
In that tenderness, I am floating away
No certainty, nothing to rely on
Holding still for a moment
What a moment this is
Oh for a moment of forgetting, a moment of bliss
Heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

I can hear the distant thunder
Of a million unheard souls
Of a million unheard souls
Watch each one reach for creature comfort
For the filling of their holes

In the blood of Eden
Lie the woman and the man
With the man in the woman
And the woman in the man
In the blood of Eden
We wanted the union
Of the woman and the man

In the blood of Eden
Lie the woman and the man
I feel the man in the woman
And the woman in the man

In the blood of Eden
Lie the woman and the man
I feel the man in the woman
And the woman in the man


In the blood of Eden
We've done everything we can
In the blood of Eden
Saw the end as we began
With the man in the woman
And the woman in the man
It was all for the union
Oh, the union of the woman, the woman and the man.

[extra lyrics from the "film mix"]

The blood of Eden keeps running through me
running through my veins
the blood of Eden keeps rushing through me
when I'm sure there's none that remains
the blood of Eden keeps running through me
I can feel it in my bones
that blood of Eden keeps rushing through me
taking back what it owns

Forgiveness comes....

at a price.

Apologies are given like crumpled bills  and change from my pocket.

"I cannot get insurance anymore... they don't take credit only gold"

I'll post my wrestles with the demon /[angel of God] later tonight...

I have been blessed... but the limp will always be there.

Jacob was a stealer... my new name will not be stolen...

but the limp will always be there.

-g

3 Dog Night.

The band "3 Dog Night" got their name from a folk saying describing how cold a night was by how many dogs you put in your bed with you....

Since my mom is in the hospital and my step-dad spent the night there, their home in NM was particularly cold and empty last night. The october chill wind and the promise of snow in the Sandias didn't help.

I suppose their little scotty dog and the 2 cats knew what was up.... because they all ended up in bed with me. 

The scotty was a worse sheet stealer than you...

and a bed hog as well.

-g

Digging in the Dirt. (more music)

I believe Peter Gabriel said he wrote the songs on "US" while he was going through some brutal psychotherapy....   I liked the album when it came out 10+ years ago cause it had some wicked rhythms and great song writing.

I love the album now because it's true.

DIGGING IN THE DIRT

Something in me, dark and sticky
All the time its getting strong
No way of dealing with this feeling
Cant go on like this too long

The more I look, the more I find
As I close on in, I get so blind
I feel it in my head, I feel it in my toes
I feel it in my sex, thats the place it goes

This time youve gone too far
I told you 
This time youve gone too far
I told you

I'm digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
To open up the places I got hurt

Stay with me I need support...

Digging in the dirt
To find the places we got hurt

Dylan says it best:

Flying home on the plane tonight... my iphone shuffled some Dylan, Radiohead, Explosions in the Sky, HEM, The 77s, Jackson Browne, The Boss, Pete Townshend, The Truckers, Black Rebel Motocycle Club, Queen, U2, John Lennon (instant Karma's gonna gitcha!) and Adam Again...

But Dylan said it best tonight somewhere over the continental divide:

"They sat together in the park
As the evening sky grew dark,
She looked at him and he felt a spark 

tingle to his bones.
twas then he felt alone 

and wished that he'd gone straight
And watched out for a simple twist of fate....

...People tell me its a sin
To know and feel too much within.
I still believe she was my twin,

but I lost the ring.
She was born in spring, 

but I was born too late
Blame it on a simple twist of fate."

of course... you also have:

Visions of Johanna

She Belongs to Me

Just Like a Woman

Baby Let me Follow You Down

and the whole lot  of 

"Blood on the Tracks"...

Yeah Dylan said it best.

"if you see her say hello"

...

Yeah... Dylan says it best.

Walkabout II

Maybe I could disappear in here:

World Concern

Looks like I have an "in"...

or is it an out?

Thanks nic!

Stillness IV

"Bonum est praestolari cum silentio salutare Dei."

  [It is good to wait in silence for the salvation of God.]

It's Strange To Risk.

I wonder where you hurt.

is it where I hurt?

I hurt the way we parted.

I hurt that we parted.

Do you feel it?

I hurt in places too deep for me to dig alone.

I think I buried it there when I was 3irty or 2wenty or 10.

I am scared what I will find there.

I am afraid you found it.

Is that same.. your hurt?

Discovery of you?

I'd like to love on that.

I wish you could hear this.

From MY mouth.

I love you as you are... as imperfect as we are.

I know you are afraid of being imperfect....

that I would see or find that in you... 

But the secret is out,

"I am just like you."

And I love you...

but to love you I must love myself first

as commanded...

and to love myself I must love God and what he created

(in me and in you)

this dance of imperfection and holinesss...

sacred play.

A risk taken by Him on me.

A risk taken by Him on you.

I wonder if wanting us to take the risk 

on each other 

instead,

He wanted us to take the risk on ourselves.

Would it have hurt less?

It might be time for a walkabout. (Stillness III)

You  Know

You Wanna

go....

What if I just disappeared?

Entered a Season of Prayer?

Listened to The Voice?

Could I be still Here?

or here?

or here?

Tap tap of my foot on my office chair.

Now - Be Still Here

...

Woke Up... Got out of Bed.

I Tried

To Pray 

For You

But It Just

Makes Me

Miss You.

This morning I woke up feeling better 

even though I tossed and turned the night.

Instead of depressed,

simply and matter of factly:

 I

                 missed 

                                                       you.

perhaps,

I slipped from a dream with this echo in my head,

"A kiss is not always true, but it is always what we wish were true."

[LA Story]

and wondering

if you had seen this movie?or this one?  and how we never did do that double feature.

I miss my companion.

I try to pray for you, but it makes me miss you.

Someone else will need to do that today.

-g

Mom is Sick

Again.

:(

A Mix Tape... what?

watch this space for a new mixtape

old school and shit...

I used to sit for hours making the perfect one...

timing up the play and record decks I stole from the church.

[hey I ran the SoundBooth for 8 years -- it was all put back by sunday].

click, pop, blaring MX.  late at night to pop in the post for AMM.

a teenager's whispering tree-- custom made Maxell.

might be time for another one...

'cause somehow an iMIX just doesn't cut it.

Why am I excited about this?

I haven't been excited about anything in days...

then I almost peed my pants when I saw this trailer for "Jumper"

I guess the meds are working (grin).

Now if only I could get excited about the things I used to...

 like the palindromes poop and boob.

oh well...

one day at a time sweet jesus.

Letting the Old Whisper Tree Be...

I had a "whisper tree"... once.... I thought I had found one...
when I put my mouth on hers... all the secrets I harbored were shed into the light...
A confessional of love and loss... joy and struggle....
Then one day... I found my whisper tree groaning from the strain of not being able to whisper back to me.

I am sorry whisper tree.
Sorry you couldn't speak where your heart hurt.
(because you didn't feel you could or didn't know how)

Sorry I didn't notice the knot in the middle of you growing with sick and pain.

Sorry I hurt our creator when I stole you as my own, ignoring his sacred oak offered for confessional whispers....

I hope you grow despite the gouge I carved.
I hope to see you healthy with lush leaves flowing from extraordinary branches....

So let's welcome the storms as rain,
Let's welcome the wind as breath,
let's long for the son.

and when He comes... with strengthening light and warmth...

I hope one day I'll find shade and companionship in you...
and you'll trust the company and care in me...

and we'll be whispering again...
you with the wind of the creator dancing through you
and I'll be listening this time...matching the song from lessons learned about grace and freedom...
and respect and understanding...
and the only secrets will be the paradox that cannot be spoken of yet must be shared.

I am sorry whisper tree.
Please grow despite me.
Be blessed by your creator.

Be Still part duex.

I _do_ hear your voice God.

It simply says "be still and trust me"

I pray I can do that.

"God please let me trust you... when I hear your voice so calm and steady in my head...

I wonder if it is just me talking to myself.... but then you repeat with gentleness to remember the times I have known your voice and be still and trust....

You have plans for me.... and this struggle is not over... but I need to let you fight for me and heal where your wisdom sees need... Help me father God to find that peace in letting go...

"Let Me Let You... Let It Be."

I love you God.

Thank you for the friends and the family I have... who care that I am happy and healthy....

who let me question and struggle with a greater faith than my own.

Thank you for putting me on a path seeking a life more meaningful than the one I have pursued for many years... and thank you for starting me on that path earlier than I ever knew.

Thank you for what I will be.

Thank you for what I was.

Thank you for what I can be.

Thank you for the past 6 months of growth.

Thank you for the last 4 of joy and proof of love from another.

Thank you for the last month of awakening a desire for more.

Thank you for the last week of struggle only to allow me to...

Thank you for the next day and the promise it brings.

-g

Be Still [ Exodus 14:13-14 ]

13 Moses answered the people,
"Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. 

The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. 

14 The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

...

Thomas Merton quotes from "No Man is an Island"

"The discovery of Christ is never genuine

 if it is nothing but a flight from ourselves. 

On the contrary, it cannot be an escape.   

It must be a fulfillment. 

I cannot discover God in myself 

and myself in Him unless I have the courage 

to face myself exactly as I am, 

with all my limitations, 

and to accept others as they are,  

with all their limitations. "

also...

"Anxiety is the mark of spiritual insecurity. It is the fruit of unanswered questions. But questions cannot go unanswered unless they first be asked. And there is a far worse anxiety, a far worse insecurity, which comes from being afraid to ask the right questions - because they might turn out to have no answer. One of the moral diseases we communicate to one another in society comes from huddling together in the pale light of an insufficient answer to a question we are afraid to ask."

So this is my tree...

In Wong Kar Wei's films "In the Mood for Love" and "2046" the theme of whispering secrets down a hole is repeated and toyed with but finds itself most eloquently with the following scene when Tony Lueng's character "Tak" explains to the beautiful Android [Faye Wong] why he wants to leave the year 2046...

“I have a secret” He says and begins to tell her the legend of whispering secrets into hole in a tree -- a place where no one can find them, where they will be safe.

The android does an OK sign with her fingers and insists:
“I will be your tree: whisper to me your secret”.

As his lips approached her hand to shed his secret, she moves it away.
They repeat this coy game several times until the circle made by her hand rests in front of her lips.


Though I won't be kissing any androids here... I will be telling my thoughts to a machine.... Mofo X Machina to Deus ex Machina.